HMOKeefe

Lines of Demarcation

/ wvfurandroot / 1 Comment

Today is one of those days that marks the anniversary of a day when everything changed. A day when the before was starkly different than the one after; the difference noted at the time. Awareness of the import provoked both laughter and fear. Boundaries shifted, the future took a different shape, everything changed and I knew it was happening. He did too.

We could call it a watershed moment. The atmosphere was pregnant with the import of it all, but we dressed it in frivolity and Thai food and satiety of the senses. There were mangos and daffodils and soft whispers, loud guffaws and shy smiles. An old Jamaican woman commented on our radiance.

My heart hurts to recall it, but my mind cannot shut it out.

The future envisioned during that great change is not what happened. As John Lennon said, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.” But we were weren’t really making plans as much as we were bearing witness to what was happening, knowing all the while that what was happening was changing the future as much as it was changing us.

I don’t regret it in any sense, but that line that drew itself that day on this day bears stark witness to what was and what could have been both with what had been and what was being born.

There is only one photo of that day. I’m not sharing it because this is about the visceral, not the visual.

I miss him, but it’s also been long enough now that it feels normal he’s not here. He should be here and we should be having that future, but we’re not. I’m having a different one demarked by another day where I knew then and now were miles apart but separated by minutes. That day, too, I knew at the time heralded a before and after. I’ve lived them both now, the before having been longer than the after – so far.

The pictures are in my head, a swirling, twirling dervish of love and memory. This is not what we thought, but what is. Leonard Cohen might say, or sing, at this moment, Dance me to the end of love.

New Year’s Eve Just Ain’t Right This Year

/ wvfurandroot / 3 Comments

last nyeWhile I’ve been pleasantly surprised at how easy Thanksgiving and Christmas were this year, I suspected that New Year’s would be hard.

2013 was a truly awful year. Doug was hospitalized beginning in November of 2012 on an off, including several stints in ICU, culminating with his death in June. While still reeling from that, the Beautiful Babette died in October and before I could catch my breath from that, the shelter dog I adopted died within a month.

I learned a lot this year, but mostly I learned that anger is both destructive and constructive, love never dies, memories get sweeter, and people are basically good. I learned how loved I am and how blessed I’ve been.

Still. It’s been an awful year and I’ve eagerly looked forward to 2014.

4476179214_d8c0edb61dI knew I had to get past this night though. Doug and I didn’t always have Christmas together. Only after he moved here did we have Thanksgiving together. But we usually managed New Year’s. We always had live Maine lobster and copious amounts of champagne. Sometimes we’d get silly and dance. Sometimes we’d gaze lovingly into one another’s eyes. One time we watched a Twilight Zone marathon and I laughed at how none of my womanly ways could distract him.

This holiday seems wrong without him. I have the champagne, but couldn’t bring myself to order lobster. I’m not listening to music or watching television though I am poking my nose into Facebook. I don’t want to wallow, but I do want to acknowledge these feelings of loss.

This is the holiday he most should have been here for and is not. I’m a little lost with what to do with myself. I miss him a lot tonight.

 

Christmas Guests, Memories and Memorials

/ wvfurandroot / 4 Comments

doug's tree guest room 016I’ve spent the day finishing HMO’Keefe’s Christmas tree.  I’ve been working on this for more than a week now.  It’s a pre-lit tree, but whole sections refused to light.  I checked bulbs, cords, fuses, the alignment of stars and planets, and everything else and nothing, nada, zip, could persuade the lights to work.

I decided to put up HMOK’s tree in the guest room primarily so his daughter could enjoy it when he comes to visit, but also because it is a slim tree and fit into the room like it should always have been there.  He was mildly annoyed when he got it home after buying it to discover it had colored lights.  He and I both prefer trees with either white lights or a solid color.  This one has red, blue, pink, white, green and gold.  It’s grown on me over the years and the multi-colors are great in the guest room.  I’m right fond of it.

But I was not fond of its refusal to work.  So, I trundled off to the Lowe’s and found an exact match for the lights.  Now, really, what are the odds?  So, I added more lights to the sections that aren’t working.  (Maybe next year I’ll take off the non-working lights, but I didn’t feel like wrestling with cable ties this year.)

doug's tree guest room 038I was so afraid that celebrating the holidays this year would be hard that I resolved to begin early so that if I did end up in the pit of sadness, my obligations to the family and friends would be taken care of.  Funny thing.  The more ahead of the game I got, the more I have enjoyed the season.  I’m still mourning HMO’Keefe, but I think I’ve moved to the acceptance stage of things and spend a lot of time reminiscing about our years together — particularly our Christmases.  We had a long-distance relationship for years, but regular as rain, I went to Boston or he came here.

He particularly loved the spectacle that is my house at Christmas time when I put everything out.  I felt I owed it to him and to me to make sure the house is at its Christmas best this year.  I’ve had a ball doing it.

doug's tree guest room 023Today, I fixed the lights and got out the boxes of his ornaments.  He was fond of Santas, kayaks, chili peppers, cowboys, and his daughter.  His tree reflects those things.  It’s a beautiful, funny, eclectic memorial to the man I loved.  I’m so pleased that his daughter is going to be able to sleep in this room with that tree when she comes to visit.

I’m also excited that Chef Boy ‘R Mine will be here for 5 days this year.  I can’t remember the last time I had him for 5 days.  So, I’m in a frenzy to have the house clean and orderly, to make cookies, to celebrate all the time-honored traditions of an American Christmas.

doug's tree guest room 042The guest room is almost ready, and boy-howdy I’m glad my two guests don’t have problems with cat hair.  I’m pleased with how the room turned out.  I bought the furniture this past summer upon realizing it drove me crazy that my son and step-daughter didn’t have a proper bed to sleep in when they’re here.  The suite of furniture is gorgeous and suits the room perfectly.

Upon excavating and decorating the closet, I got the hidden writing closet up and running again.  I can’t wait to spend some serious time in there writing secrets and memories.