Leo

Photo by billow926 on Unsplash

Leo had been a precocious child. 

Walking and talking at 10 months. He graduated with his first Bachelor of Science in Biochemistry at 16.  By 24 he was a tenure track Ph.D. at Stanford with his own administrative assistant.

He was miserable.

It was the poetry of the basic cell that charmed him.  How it quivered in the agar agar and devoured the sucrose.  How it cringed when the refrigerator malfunctioned and almost died.  He could see the small thing shiver,

The cell had likes and desires.  It had dislikes and burdens. So did Leo.

He read Byron. He called all of his cells she for they possessed all of them the ability to divide and become two. To reproduce.

He’d recite She Walks in Beauty when pipetting some new solution into the  dish.

He said “Give me your good side, Sweetheart,” when he slipped them between a slide and admired their nakedness.

His mother had wanted all this for him, but Leo had always and only wanted to drive trains through the Rockies. 

He tried to make the best of it.  He did love his cells. But he wanted to hang his head out the window of the caboose and howl as the train descended 200 feet into a valley.

He was 30 when he called the Chessie system. 

31 when they quit laughing and took him serious 

 He was 33 and 2 days old when he landed a job on the railroad.

He hadn’t told his mother.  Her dad had been a railroad man with a different family in every depot. 

She would keen and cover her still glossy Greek curls with a shawl and call the priest. But perhaps some vocations are genetic. His cells cried out for railroad tracks through the pristine mountains. For the howl.

Stanford was her dream, not his.

He tucked Lord Byron into his lunchbox that morning.  He would tell his mom at the end of his shift.

Searching for Safe Harbor

I’m rowing in rough waters though it’s a waste of my precious energy.  The waves are strong, the current powerful and I am too weak to fight it any longer.

But I’m looking for a coast.  A harbor.  A place of safety to wait out the storm. To recuperate.  To perhaps find paradise.  I try to guide the boat in the direction the waves break assuming the shore is in that direction.

I no longer know where I am.

The boat is gray weathered wood and perhaps not seaworthy any longer. I’ve been out here a good long time.  There used to be days of a becalming.  Flat water and I could see the dolphins jump and play.  I could see the seabirds swoop and dive into the azure deep.  I could hear the whales and see the starfish on the ocean floor.

Now it is just water the color of the boat.  In turmoil and rage and beating rain.

Oh, for the skies to clear.  For the tide ruled by the moon to guide me to safe harbor and smooth sand.  To palm trees and brightly colored birds.  To friendly souls who will take me in and tend my wounds.

For I am wounded in the places you can’t see. My pride is wounded.  My soul.  My innermost me.  This has been the storm of a lifetime.  I didn’t see it coming though perhaps I should have.  I was just out here in my boat when the sea roughened and the skies darkened. 

The ancient ones had told me to take care when I took the boat out.  They told me the sea was not my friend.  They told me it would beat me down and that I should stay where I was and prepare for the inevitable storm. To live with storm shutters and lanterns near a lighthouse. To light a fire in my hearth and pray for the lost.

But blue skies and frothy white-capped swells called to me.  I imagined the wonders and I took off.  Alone and poorly provisioned. I am the lost. 

It has been a journey.  One with no destination of my planning other than to seek wonders.  And I have seen them.  For that I should be grateful.  I have seen things that others only dream of.  I have been captain and crew.  Jailor and prisoner.  Now I am fighting for what’s left of me.  For the real me – the one that got pushed aside while I rowed and bailed water.

I am looking for safe harbor.  Smooth sand.  A warm sun to turn my face to.  A friend to tend my wounds, give me nourishment, and help me find the hope that was my inner compass for so long.

Pray for me. I am lost.

An open letter to my 7 am writing group

NOTE: I belong to a writing group that meets every morning on Zoom, at 7 a.m., except for Saturdays, when we meet at 8 a.m. We also meet on holidays, Sundays, and weekdays. This group has been my sanctuary—my safe space to grow as a writer.

Dear Ones:

“The universe provides” It always has—goes along with “this too shall pass.”

I understand it’s common with many artists, writers included, that those closest to them are the least interested in their work.  The “that’s nice, honey” phenomenon.  With one notable exception, this has been true for me.  My family couldn’t give a flying fig about my two books, the two I’m working on, or my blog.

They accept that I’m a writer and take some pride in telling people that, but have no interest in actually reading or even hearing about my passion projects.  And so, the universe conspired until I found my tribe. 

I get encouragement from the most unlikely places. 

It tickles me pink that somewhere in Malaysia, some teacher uses one of my blog posts in his or her English class.  I reposted e.e. cummings’s in time of daffodils – a favorite of mine with one of my photos of my beloved daffodils. 

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Eutony

Eutony. Some words just roll around your mouth like a well-loved piece of candy – sweet and pleasant – a delight and a treat.  There’s dazzle, for one.  And delightful, for that matter.  Tummy is a yummy word.  And raspberry.  But the best word – actually phrase – is salon de belleza.  It’s Spanish for beauty salon.  I learned it in junior high or maybe high school.  From its introduction to me to now, I like to roll it around in my mouth.  Long and slow–salon de belleza.  Of course, a Spanish speaker would say it much faster, but I like to linger over all those vowels.  Linger – now there’s another word. 

Sadly, I don’t have much opportunity to work salon de belleza into daily conversation.  Pity. 

I like the word envelope.  Not envelope.  Envelope.  And then there’s the verb envelope.  Autonomy is fun and anthropological uses all the muscles in your face – I’m convinced of it though I have no proof.

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