Leo

Photo by billow926 on Unsplash

Leo had been a precocious child. 

Walking and talking at 10 months. He graduated with his first Bachelor of Science in Biochemistry at 16.  By 24 he was a tenure track Ph.D. at Stanford with his own administrative assistant.

He was miserable.

It was the poetry of the basic cell that charmed him.  How it quivered in the agar agar and devoured the sucrose.  How it cringed when the refrigerator malfunctioned and almost died.  He could see the small thing shiver,

The cell had likes and desires.  It had dislikes and burdens. So did Leo.

He read Byron. He called all of his cells she for they possessed all of them the ability to divide and become two. To reproduce.

He’d recite She Walks in Beauty when pipetting some new solution into the  dish.

He said “Give me your good side, Sweetheart,” when he slipped them between a slide and admired their nakedness.

His mother had wanted all this for him, but Leo had always and only wanted to drive trains through the Rockies. 

He tried to make the best of it.  He did love his cells. But he wanted to hang his head out the window of the caboose and howl as the train descended 200 feet into a valley.

He was 30 when he called the Chessie system. 

31 when they quit laughing and took him serious 

 He was 33 and 2 days old when he landed a job on the railroad.

He hadn’t told his mother.  Her dad had been a railroad man with a different family in every depot. 

She would keen and cover her still glossy Greek curls with a shawl and call the priest. But perhaps some vocations are genetic. His cells cried out for railroad tracks through the pristine mountains. For the howl.

Stanford was her dream, not his.

He tucked Lord Byron into his lunchbox that morning.  He would tell his mom at the end of his shift.

A Tiny True Tale

Metacognition: Thinking About Thinking

Those who know about such things say that in any relationship there is one up and one down in terms of power over or who has the upper hand.  In a healthy relationship, this will alternate.  I don’t think this is true in the relationship with ourselves.

I once pondered metacognition – the thinking about thinking.  You know how you’re standing at the kitchen doing dishes, and you say to yourself, “Today I have to buy coffee, mail that package, text Cindy, and return that awful blouse”? And then later you get home and realize you forgot to buy coffee, so as you drive to the Dollar General you say, “You are so stupid, how could you forget coffee!”

Ok?  Who is the I?  And who is the You in these conversations we have in our head?  I submit the one saying “you are” is Jung’s Shadow Self, and I don’t think it’s ever good to let the Shadow be the upper cognition.  Or not good to let our Shadow have power-over for too long.  The Shadow is useful for pointing out our foibles and identifying what we need to work on, but giving that asshole upper reign for too long guarantees a miserable person.

Marie-Louise von Franz, a close associate of Jung, said:

[If and when] an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow, he becomes aware of (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he denies in himself but can plainly see in others – such things as egotism, mental laziness, and sloppiness; unreal fantasies, schemes, and plots; carelessness and cowardice; inordinate love of money and possessions.

But Jung carried on quite a bit about the Shadow Self and the Collective Shadow. It’s fascinating stuff and time I did some more reading about it.

I think we are living in an era where the Collective Shadow of this country is romping unconstrained, and it’s high time for some serious therapy.  Our souls are crying out for rescue from this power that’s taken hold and won’t let go.

Only the sea can explain

Photo by Олег Мороз on Unsplash

I’m letting a restorative wave crash over my life. One that will wash the beach clean of frustrations and angers, rid me of tension that leaves my spine stiff and sore, and will clear my mind of the endless chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter.

It’s been a long time coming.

Like waiting for a tsunami.

The warnings have been out for days, the nonstop preparations, the waiting, the waiting, the waiting. And then the sirens.

I don’t evacuate. I wish to be purged. To be changed. To be scrubbed clean by the raw power of the ocean.

And then the wave comes.

It is tall. It Is ferocious. It is just and nondiscriminating.

I am roiled in the water. Powerless. Not even flailing. Not panicking.

Just surviving one breath at a time.

And then it is over.

The beach is clean save for some interesting driftwood and a starfish.

I have a blank slate, and I can begin drawing – creating this new future – from scratch. I am both new and restored. A paradox that only the sea can explain.