men

Jolene: The Hillbilly Diva Asks Why We Keep Infantilizing Men and Blaming Women for Their Bad Behavior

/ wvfurandroot / 2 Comments

Listen up Dolly, Miley, and Beyoncé – I’m talking to you.

Jolene is perhaps Dolly Parton’s most iconic song. It is a peach. I’m no musician, but even I recognize there is something special about the architecture of this piece and how the lyrics fuse with the melody to create something mesmerizing. After all in 2021, Rolling Stone included it at No. 63 on its revised list of the 500 greatest songs of all time. It had been at No. 217 when the original list was released in 2004.

Everybody has covered this song. One of the more recent covers that garnered a lot of attention was Beyoncé’s on her Cowboy Carter album.

The original lyrics are of a woman pleading with Jolene not to steal her man. The lyrics list the specifics of Jolene’s beauty and how Jolene holds the key to the singer’s happiness.

Dolly Parton has said the lyrics are based on a true story – a bank teller was flirting with her husband. Miley Cyrus’s ups and downs with her ex-husband Liam, and the rumors of his philandering haunt her version. There are persistent rumors that Jay-Z is or has been unfaithful.

Now personally, I adore Miley Cyrus’s cover of the song. She is faithful to the original lyrics, and her distinctive voice carries the lyrics well.

And so, Beyoncé comes along with her cover of the song. She changes the lyrics to threaten Jolene should she even think about trying to come between the singer and her man.

So, all three of these powerful women are either pleading with or threatening the very beautiful Jolene to leave their man alone.

Dolly goes so far as to say that her happiness depends on Jolene’s behavior.

So, um, if I were to write my own lyrics to this song, I would be telling the very beautiful Jolene that if she can take my man, she’s welcome to him. I might also tell her that if he cheated on me with her, he will cheat on her with someone else.  If I were to address Jolene at all, I would ask her why she would want such a man. What does she hope to gain?

In other words, quit blaming women for the bad behavior of men. If the commitment they have made to you can be trashed with the toss of red hair and the glint of green eyes, it wasn’t worth much to begin with.

Not only does putting the responsibility on Jolene reek of woman-on-woman misogyny, it also infantilizes men.

Further infantilizes men – we have centuries of tolerating and even rewarding the childish behavior of men. [I will not mention the boy-child currently dismantling the country I love.]

The man in these lyrics is stripped of any responsibility to honor his vows. He is presented as helpless to resist Jolene’s beauty. So, he has no responsibility and is a slave to sexual desire. To add further insult, it suggests a woman’s worth is dependent on her physical appearance. A lifetime together is no match for ivory skin and a stunning smile.

I get riled up anytime I hear someone disparage the “other woman” as if she is the problem. She is not the problem. She is the symptom of an existing problem.

The Girl Code specifically prohibits friends from dating one’s ex or current crush without explicit permission.

Oh please. Again, the problem isn’t the woman. It’s the guy.

Damn it, it’s the guy!

Say it with me: “It’s the guy!”

Put the blame where it belongs and quit enabling men to behave badly. Thus sayeth The Hillbilly Diva.

Men

/ wvfurandroot / 1 Comment

I’ve mentioned, at length before, that I love men.  I think they’re adorable creatures, especially the ones who are comfortable in their skin.  I like men who can be tender and soft, funny and uproarious, sober and serious.  I like a man not so full of himself that he can’t play restaurant with a toddler or hold my pink purse when I’m digging through my suitcase looking for something at the airport.

Give me a man so secure in his masculinity that he doesn’t have to wear it like a sheriff’s badge to keep me guessing at his motives.  Or to keep me in line.

I’ve been blessed with good men in my life.  A father who didn’t hesitate to shed his Marine Corps officer’s uniform to crawl around on the floor with kids, an ex-husband who found the funny in just about everything, and a boyfriend who is simultaneously strong and tender. 

There are good men everywhere. 

Many men are feeling as if they are being attacked.  As if masculinity is being attacked.  It’s not.  It’s toxic patriarchy that women are complaining about.  The same brand of masculinity that tells men they can’t cry, can’t be tender, can’t show a gentle side.  This is what we are against.  We are wildly in love with men who can escape that trap and just be themselves.