Intense Contentment

There’s a pot of potato soup at a slow simmer on the stove.  Everything about this day is slow.  Unhurried.  Leisurely.  Unfolding gently from the dark of predawn to the sunset at 5:07 pm. It is a day to burrow into all the comforts that make home home.  Pumpernickel bread is baking and the house is filled with the smell of caraway seed.  Irish butter was procured for the bread and mulled cider will round out the evening menu though Louisa is considering making gingerbread for dessert.  She nestles deeper into the chair as she considers the expenditure of energy that will take. 

Gingerbread would be good.  There is heavy cream to turn into whipped cream, but the kitchen is spotless, and she is not sure she wants to clean it again.  Louisa ponders.

Royce is napping upstairs.  She figures she has the house to herself for another hour.  He is a marathon sleeper.  No 20-minute power naps for him. He says anything less than two hours is not worth his time.

The house is silent except for the hum of the furnace and the purrs of the cat.

She has not had the television on at all this day and silenced her phone several hours ago. 

Louisa is hibernating in the peace she and Royce have built in their 30 years of marriage.  All the rough edges have smoothed.  They fit together like the two halves of the yin-yang. Both are strong personalities, but they have long worked out their friction points without giving up their identities.  They are not two shall become one,  but two that curve together in all the right places. 

It was a lot of work. These past six, seven years have been ones of ease and plenty.  Love and friendship.  Passion and camaraderie.  He still makes her laugh.  She still makes him think.

The forecast called for just flurries, but Louisa estimates there are two inches of flurries accumulated on the back deck.  There is no place she needs to be.  There is nothing she should be doing.  All that concerns her is whether she wants to make gingerbread or not.

She decides that the smell of gingerbread baking will heighten further this intense feeling of contentment.  The warmth of it will further keep at bay the bluster of the outside world.

Can contentment be intense?  Is that an oxymoron?

She whispers a small prayer:  May all beings know this feeling.  But she doesn’t dwell on it.  She does not want to consider the reality of the the all-too real world.

She wants this day to go on and on.

Searching for Safe Harbor

I’m rowing in rough waters though it’s a waste of my precious energy.  The waves are strong, the current powerful and I am too weak to fight it any longer.

But I’m looking for a coast.  A harbor.  A place of safety to wait out the storm. To recuperate.  To perhaps find paradise.  I try to guide the boat in the direction the waves break assuming the shore is in that direction.

I no longer know where I am.

The boat is gray weathered wood and perhaps not seaworthy any longer. I’ve been out here a good long time.  There used to be days of a becalming.  Flat water and I could see the dolphins jump and play.  I could see the seabirds swoop and dive into the azure deep.  I could hear the whales and see the starfish on the ocean floor.

Now it is just water the color of the boat.  In turmoil and rage and beating rain.

Oh, for the skies to clear.  For the tide ruled by the moon to guide me to safe harbor and smooth sand.  To palm trees and brightly colored birds.  To friendly souls who will take me in and tend my wounds.

For I am wounded in the places you can’t see. My pride is wounded.  My soul.  My innermost me.  This has been the storm of a lifetime.  I didn’t see it coming though perhaps I should have.  I was just out here in my boat when the sea roughened and the skies darkened. 

The ancient ones had told me to take care when I took the boat out.  They told me the sea was not my friend.  They told me it would beat me down and that I should stay where I was and prepare for the inevitable storm. To live with storm shutters and lanterns near a lighthouse. To light a fire in my hearth and pray for the lost.

But blue skies and frothy white-capped swells called to me.  I imagined the wonders and I took off.  Alone and poorly provisioned. I am the lost. 

It has been a journey.  One with no destination of my planning other than to seek wonders.  And I have seen them.  For that I should be grateful.  I have seen things that others only dream of.  I have been captain and crew.  Jailor and prisoner.  Now I am fighting for what’s left of me.  For the real me – the one that got pushed aside while I rowed and bailed water.

I am looking for safe harbor.  Smooth sand.  A warm sun to turn my face to.  A friend to tend my wounds, give me nourishment, and help me find the hope that was my inner compass for so long.

Pray for me. I am lost.

Komorebi

Dappled light in the forest of my dreams.  Serene.  Peace.  At ease.  Body vibrating at the same frequency as the trees.  The breeze lifts a tendril of hair and my spirit soars.  I feel good.

Oh to feel good.  For nothing to hurt.  Not my back.  Not my feet.  Not my heart. 

I can’t remember when.,,  Let’s not go there. 

I want a komorebi tan – light-kissed skin with the shapes of leaves tattooed by the sun.

I remember my first fall and deciduous trees.  I was enraptured.  I made a glue of flour and water and pasted fallen leaves to the mirror of my Sears French Provincial dresser.  I was 12.  The leaves were orange and red and brown.  The flour dried hard and solid.  Those leaves were there for months and months.  Until… I don’t know why or when I removed them.

Komorebi – you can almost smell the fragrance of chlorophyll.  The trees respirating oxygen.  A body can breathe in the forest.  Deep cleansing breaths. Breathe in the now, exhale the past. 

Relax.  Rejuvenate.  Rejoice. 

May the forest always be with us.  May the light always be with us.  May peace be our birthright.  Forever and ever Amen.

You deserve a more tender tomorrow.

You deserve a more tender tomorrow, the Universe said.

“I do,” myself replied.  I went on to say, “Life has been hard and a bit dreary these past few months.  Tender would be good.  Did you have something in mind?”

The Universe said, “No.  Quite the opposite.  Tomorrow the weather is going to reenact the Wizard of Oz and then I might dump snow on you.  Haven’t decided yet.”

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

“If you must bring snow, please bring between 12 and 20 inches.  Please.  Anything less is just a nuisance as folks expect me to maintain my normal activities if we are anything short of shut down.”

“Nah, I’m thinking an inch or two.  Just enough to snarl morning traffic on Wednesday.”

“Why are you in such a cantankerous mood?  This really has gone on too long you know. Since about August you have just been downright ugly to me.  Fortunately, I have a good support system and I’m not in a fetal position, but this is really getting old. 

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