When all it took was a cupcake. . .

Joy. 

Bliss.

Ecstasy.

What does it take to feel those.  They came naturally when I was younger, but not so much now.  Have I seen too much?  Done too much?  Am I jaded?

There are still some experiences guaranteed to bring it on. Bliss is found in the first warm day in the garden, muddy hands, muddy knees, crystalline blue skies, and the soft air of an Appalachian spring. 

Joy.  To be joyous may require a light heart.  Perhaps I have too many worries for joy.  But no, my grandson brought me joy.  Holding him, time stopped and it was just me and Julien.  Time stopped.  The moment.

And Ecstasy…the birth of my son.  Perhaps the only time of my life that I was truly ecstatic.  It’s a state of being that suffuses the whole body and the whole mind.  Nothing else in that moment but the sensation of unfettered happiness at the cellular level.  The moment stretching on and on.

But remember when something simple could provoke these states?  Perhaps they are side effects of youth – states of being easy to slide into before the world beat us down.

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I am dancing as fast as I can.

Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash

Wayne Dyer said, “When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.

I’m dancing as fast as I can.  The tempo may kill me. My feet lift and fall, lift and fall, heel, toe, do si do, step two three and twirl. 

I’m dancing as fast as I can, don’t ask me to juggle.  Now is not the time.  Dip, sway, do the hustle, all fifty-seven steps.  I can’t stop, the music still plays and plays and plays…like an organ grinder with a monkey I dance.

Perhaps I should seek coins from those watching.

I’m dancing as fast as I can, skirt belling and swirling and tangling between my legs.  I stumble now and again, but I’m dancing as fast as I can.

No time for chores, for downtime, for respite, I am dancing as fast as I can,  The cha cha, the foxtrot, a stately waltz all without a partner. Alone.

Nietzche said, “And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.

I can hear the music.  Can they?  Am I insane?

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Like Fannie Flagg wrote, Towanda!

Towanda has two meanings ‘peaceful resting place’, ‘many waters’ or ‘rushing waters’. The latter water meaning is an Osage Indian word.  I use it as Fannie Flagg wrote it in Fried Green Tomatoes – as the battle cry of Idgie’s alter-ego, an Amazon woman.

This coming week has seven full days as do all weeks.  But this will be my first full normal week in a while.  I work all five days, I have yoga class, I have a friend’s housewarming open house, and I have some medical appointments to take my mother to. And writing group six of those mornings.  Blissful normalcy.

I am always ready for this week after the holidays.  In the weeks leading up to the festivities of yule, there are office parties, time off, usually a sick day, and a frenzy of work.  It’s stress added to an already stressful life, overwhelming.  The return to normalcy provokes a psychological ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I say normal week.  My normal and yours are probably different.  Yes, I still have no water.  Yes, I am still inordinately stressed, and yes, my to-do list is 9 miles long and growing but these are practically norms now.  I wrote earlier this week that I need routine in my life.  And, boy, do I ever this year. 

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Liminal Space

I discovered while being unemployed for the first time ever if you don’t count the year I had a newborn, that I need routine in my life.  It pained me to admit it.  I had thought of myself always as a free spirit chafing against the status quo.

And there I was unmoored.  Of course, the financial uncertainty and need to find a new job colored the experience, but overall, I learned a lot about myself.

Left to my own devices, I am a train wreck.  I need structure and ritual in my life.

Photo by Conscious Design on Unsplash

The COVID years of working at home just really drove this home.  That 18 months or so I was here working is time I will never have back. Wasted. I lost the rhythm of my life. I have been uncentered.

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