Leo

Photo by billow926 on Unsplash

Leo had been a precocious child. 

Walking and talking at 10 months. He graduated with his first Bachelor of Science in Biochemistry at 16.  By 24 he was a tenure track Ph.D. at Stanford with his own administrative assistant.

He was miserable.

It was the poetry of the basic cell that charmed him.  How it quivered in the agar agar and devoured the sucrose.  How it cringed when the refrigerator malfunctioned and almost died.  He could see the small thing shiver,

The cell had likes and desires.  It had dislikes and burdens. So did Leo.

He read Byron. He called all of his cells she for they possessed all of them the ability to divide and become two. To reproduce.

He’d recite She Walks in Beauty when pipetting some new solution into the  dish.

He said “Give me your good side, Sweetheart,” when he slipped them between a slide and admired their nakedness.

His mother had wanted all this for him, but Leo had always and only wanted to drive trains through the Rockies. 

He tried to make the best of it.  He did love his cells. But he wanted to hang his head out the window of the caboose and howl as the train descended 200 feet into a valley.

He was 30 when he called the Chessie system. 

31 when they quit laughing and took him serious 

 He was 33 and 2 days old when he landed a job on the railroad.

He hadn’t told his mother.  Her dad had been a railroad man with a different family in every depot. 

She would keen and cover her still glossy Greek curls with a shawl and call the priest. But perhaps some vocations are genetic. His cells cried out for railroad tracks through the pristine mountains. For the howl.

Stanford was her dream, not his.

He tucked Lord Byron into his lunchbox that morning.  He would tell his mom at the end of his shift.

I want to coin a new word

I want a word that means to feel it all at once. To include the cognitive dissonance with the revelation of divine knowledge. To embrace the sacred and the profane. I want that word to recognize that I can be at peace and at war within myself at any moment, either one or both simultaneously.

To feel it all at once is to glimpse the mind of the creator. Perhaps. I want the ennui and the exhilaration of my being to dance. A tango. Slow, deliberate, sinuous, winding about one another until the boredom embraces the joy reaching crescendo. And then there is silent acceptance of both when the music fades.

This is my life now. I don’t want to call it a new normal. I despise normal – always have. I have striven all my life not to be average. I’d rather be a failure than just fade to black.

This life, the one right here, the one that I call a trainwreck, is mine and I don’t want to shut down any part of it. It has become who I am.

I was in a trainwreck one time. Really. I hit a train. It makes for a great party story.

And that is my goal: to ferment all of this into a story that both bears witness to the tragedy and provokes laughter at having trried to overcome it all and only sometimes succeeding. I want to coin that word.

If we can’t laugh, we can’t cry, and both are necessary for either to have any potency. Any meaning. Any effect.

I want a word for all of this. These events and feelings and effects have shaped me and continue to shape me into a person I hardly recognize, but who is resolutely and most definitely me.