Toxic Coping Mechanisms

I would have loved to have had an eavesdropper to a text conversation I had yesterday. 

Photo by Polish photographer Jacek Stankiewicz.

I’ve been big on drawing boundaries for the past two years. I have or had some people in my life who just either take me for granted without any reciprocity or just downright treat me badly. 

As appropriate, I’ve been calling out their behavior and telling them I won’t have it any longer.  A few of them I’ve said goodbye to. 

Yesterday, I got a text message I didn’t understand.  After re-reading it – understanding dawned on me.  I explained I knew nothing about any of it and couldn’t comply with their request. They were gracious and understanding.  I then texted the person who provoked the original text.  I got a very curt response, though I hadn’t been adversarial, placing the blame on me.  I had been sure it wasn’t malicious. I was concerned.  This was someone I love and someone who loves me.  I said, “That smells like gaslighting.”  They spit out defiant and terse words through their fingertips into a texting app that was the very definition of gaslighting. Noxious smell confirmed.

I gave no warning.  That person is now completely out of my life like a boil on my butt that has been properly excised by a medical professional.

And I feel proud of myself.  I will mourn the loss of the love we had for one another. Not loss.  I think love never dies, although it can stagnate. That’s where we are now.

In my quest, begun two decades ago, of working when possible to accept folks and their quirks, me included, I put up with a lot of bad and questionable behavior.  Including from myself.  Due to the circumstances of my life and my own innate personality, I have had a lifetime of people-pleasing. In fact, this holiday season has revealed a few more folks who are taking advantage of that aspect of me. There will be warnings if warranted, but I will be excising boils like a surgeon of exceptional skill if need be.

I am now, very much, all about pleasing my own myself.  I have always been a hedonist, but now I will insist on emotionally healthy pleasure.

People-pleasing is not in and of itself a bad thing to do.  Be kind.  Be a mentor.  Be a friend.  Say please and thank you. Especially thank you.  Be lavish with compliments and praise, but don’t do it because you fear what will happen if you don’t.  That makes it inauthentic. Do it because in a truly genuine manner, and not because you are trying to avoid their unpleasantness if you don’t.  If you do it to keep the peace or to avoid confrontation, that’s not healthy.  It shouldn’t be a coping mechanism to just get through the day. Needing to always walk on eggshells is poisonous to the heart, the soul, and the mind.   

Perhaps this is just the wisdom of age.  I don’t know, but I am going to work very hard from here on out to both accept folks for their quirks (still including myself) while also having boundaries firmly drawn with a large paint brush. Bright red paint, I think, to signal a warning.  Boundaries have been drawn to keep me from returning to my bad habit.  Boundaries drawn to protect me from those who would take advantage.  Boundaries from the parts of myself to keep me from using toxic coping mechanisms.

My tranquility is primary now, and that will require nurturing and reciprocal relationships that aren’t just loving, but respectful.  Still including the relationship I have with myself.  Especially that one.

Reading Rage

I’m looking at an image by Canadian artist Denis Chiasson.  I see with an old woman’s eyes now.  The image is not as clear as I need it to be to discern if she is holding a pen.  I choose to think she is.  I also choose to believe she is reviewing a card she just inscribed for someone.  Perhaps to accompany a gift. 

She looks a lot like me in my youth.  Thin.  Angular.  Limber.  But she is too still.  At that age, I was a blur, always moving, always doing.  I inscribed many cards with heartfelt sentiments, but often while standing in line at the post office or while talking on the phone at work. 

Perhaps the woman in the image is just reading.  

I did read a lot.  Incessantly.  If I wasn’t working or dancing or getting ready for those two activities, I was reading – lost in other worlds. 

I delighted in well-researched historical novels with the occasional foray into romance.  Kathleen Woodiwiss was a favorite of mine in that genre.  It wasn’t until later that I realized she was poisoning my mind.  Love does not start with rape.

What strange times I’ve lived through.

I preferred, at first, to read on the sofa, sometimes reclining and sometimes sitting, moving to the bed about an hour before I needed to shut off the light.  Eventually, I read in bed whenever I could. 

I am reviving my reading habit.  The events of the last 12 years took it from me, not the least of which is the age of my eyes and the arthritis in my hands.  Holding a book can be uncomfortable, particularly while supine.  I have brushed the dust off the Kindle, and it’s a godsend.  It weighs nothing, and I can enlarge the print.  It’s been a fabulous return to the magic of squid juice on wood pulp – a phrase Frank X. Walter uses to describe writing.  But in this case it’s pixels on glass.  Or something like that. I no longer even try to keep up with the terms of new tech.

I used to carry books with me everywhere.  Since I held the opinion that the thicker a book was the better it was – a publisher would not put the money into such if it weren’t an exceptional story – the tomes I lugged around were huge.  Some were nearly a 1000 pages.  Coupled with a typing speed of more than a hundred words a minute and a lifetime of earning my living at a typewriter or keyboard, it’s no wonder my hands ache. 

The Kindle will be so much easier.  It will slip into most of my purses and weighs nothing – a boon to cramping arthritic hands. 

Technology continues to be good to me. 

Can you imagine the wonder of the printing press?  Gutenberg changed the world.  A revolution, but like all new technology, it wasn’t without controversy.

I despise Artificial Intelligence (see? – new tech controversy), but Google’s AI finds a half-remembered meme. 

Terms like “reading rage” or “Pamela-fever” described the concern that grew as books became easier and easier to own and literacy spread like a virus. 

Crescendoing in the 1800s, “Reading Rage” sparked debates over the new media’s impact. Google AI also tells me that Pamela-fever refers to Samuel Richardson’s novel Pamela and that Goethe’s Werther, along with Pamela, challenged social conventions and encouraged independent thought, provoking a backlash.  I understand parents particularly feared for their teenage kids. 

In these years of constant new media and new tech, parents still worry for their children. Some things do, in fact, not change.

I’ve read Pamela, though I don’t remember it, but I have no Goethe in my brain other than a quote here and there.  I’ll rectify that. He’s considered a classic, and there are many classics on Kindle for free or pert near.  Anything that inspires independent thought and challenges social norms is right up my alley.

It looks to be another gloomy day.  I will delight in crawling underneath sheets and blankets with my beloved dachshund Emmylou nestled against my back – reading.  And then no doubt napping. 

An enjoyable day ahead of me.  I think. 

I hope so for you as well.  Happy Boxing Day.

Hillbilly Diva: The Reincarnation of Florence Foster Jenkins

I have longed for decades to have the ability to sing on key.  I don’t mean an excess of talent or star power.  I don’t want to be Taylor Swift or Barbra Streisand.  I just want to be able to join in on sing-alongs.  I’d like to throw in some song to my spoken-word stuff. 

I would like to not be embarrassed by my voice.

My 7th-grade chorus teacher pulled me aside on the last day of school to tell me not to sign up for 8th-grade chorus.  I knew I didn’t have a great voice, but I hadn’t realized until then that I was hopeless. Did you see Meryl Streep in the movie Florence Foster Jenkins?

That would be me. 

Really. I once sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to my son when he was a toddler.  He put his tiny hand over my lips and said, “Mama, no.”

I’ve always said you can tell life is not a performance because no one breaks into song at the grocery store.  Well.  If I could carry a tune, I would dance and sing my way through the Kroger and everywhere else.  Every once in a great while, I will break into Onward Christian Soldiers at the office on a particularly frenzied day, but I’ve worked there for 20 years.  They’ve seen me vomit into my wastebasket.  There, I have no shame, though perhaps I should. 

My last best friend, the one who suddenly died exactly six months after my dad, attended Ohio University on a voice scholarship.  She very seldom sang – she said she had ruined her voice with cigarettes and nonpractice. I wanted to throttle her. 

Susan maintained that everyone could be taught to sing on key.  And I told her, “No, you don’t understand.”  But she insisted. 

So, we sat on the steps of her wonderful porch one beautiful day – I think it was about this time of year – and Susan tried.  She’d sing a note and tell me to listen and then match it.

I laughed. “Susan, if I could do that, we wouldn’t be here.”

But she insisted.

After about 20 minutes, she shook her head and lit a cigarette.  I could tell she was trying to find the right words.  Finally, she said, “The problem is you hear everything.”

I said, “Well, yeah.  What is your point?”

She said, “You can’t seem to separate the notes.  You use them all at once with a few extras thrown in.  I’ve never seen this before.”

I just laughed. I felt vindicated. But I also felt like a freak of nature.  

But I do hear everything. I am not a visual learner.  I am auditory.  Give me a good speech or lecture.  Forget the PowerPoint.  I can listen to you, or I can read the PowerPoint slides, but I cannot do both at the same time.

I do not use music as background noise. I may not be able to carry a tune, but I have a good ear, and that just adds insult to injury. When I listen to music, I sit and I listen fully lost in the sound.  I do not listen to music in the car unless it’s a long road trip with little traffic; otherwise, I would be a menace on the road.  Well, even more so than I am. 

[An aside, I do not confuse the sounds I dance to with the music I listen to.]

I would also like to play an instrument or two or three.  But that desire pales in comparison to the singing thing. 

Yes. I would be a one-woman show everywhere I went if only I could carry a tune. 

What happened next?

Marina continued although a little distracted.  The show must go on reverberated in her head.  She forced herself to pay attention to the person sitting across from her.. She had to work very hard to stay in the present as her heart was visiting the past and her soul was questioning the future. When she was done, even more spent than usual, she went to her hotel room. Normally after a performance, she would shower and anoint herself in almond oil. Massaging each foot, each limb, each hand. She would end by caressing her face and then wiping her hands on her long wet hair. Her people had oiled their hair for centuries. 

But after this one, after she sluiced off the intimacy of strangers, she sat on the edge of the bed and stared at herself in the mirror – trying to read her own eyes, trying to make sense of 30 years collapsing in one minute. 

Did she want to try and find him.  Would he contact her?  She stared at herself. 

Did she want to see him? 

Once again, he paralyzed her.  When with him, she was a slave to the oxytocin and dopamine coursing through her body, addicted to his touch on her skin, helpless in his examination of her eyes.  She had been in danger of losing herself –of being consumed by a passion so intense it would incinerate her will.

The phone on the nightstand rang.  It took her a moment to place the sound.  She answered with a soft “Hello.”

“Ms. Abramovic, there is a gentleman here to see you.”

“Is he wearing a shirt with a red collar?  With kind eyes?”

“Well, I don’t know about that last part, but yes. That is what he is wearing.”

Please tell him I can meet him in the bar in about 20 minutes.

Marina continued to sit staring at her whole self in the mirror. Sitting here naked she did not feel as exposed as she did when looking into strangers’ eyes.  Far more exposed when she looked into his eyes.   

She stood and pulled on her old, very faded and threadbare Levis.  She wore these back when they were together.  The denim was an old friend grounding her to her past but allowing her to venture into her future. 

She rummaged around in her suitcase looking for something besides a t-shirt but she wasn’t coming up with anything she felt appropriate to the occasion or the place. Finally, she decided on a white silk camisole over which she threw on the cardigan she’d bought in Nepal shortly after they had parted. 

With no makeup, no perfume, wet hair and barefoot, she quietly closed her hotel room and padded down the corridor to the elevator. 

She didn’t know what she would say. 

She didn’t know what she wanted to say. 

Thirty years had fallen away in a minute.

What would time do this evening?

*****

NOTE: I was shown this video as a writing prompt and told to write what happened next.