writing

Stevie’s Favorite Treats Were Marshmallows

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Stevie, bless her heart, would do anything for a marshmallow.  If you could make her understand what you wanted, she would enthusiastically do it.  For a miniature marshmallow.  Cold fusion in her in water bowl?  No problem.  Come here now.  With pleasure. Potty Outside. Well, maybe.  That one was a little more difficult. Dachshunds are notoriously difficult to housetrain. 

Stevie was short for Frauleinen Stephanie von Whomper. Yes Frauleinen. Leinen had been my married name.  Dachshunds were originally bred in Germany. My ex-husband’s people were German.  We thought we were so clever with that name.

Stevie was my son’s birthday gift one year. 

An internet friend had come to our house to meet me for the first time.  Negley was a story in herself, but we’ll save that for another time. She brought with her Whomper, her miniature dachshund.

Jeremy fell in love with Whomper.  In all fairness, she was an incredible dog.  It was Jeremy’s first experience with a dachshund. Whomper and Stevie both left an impression on his heart. It took us a few years, but we finally gave Jeremy a dachshund. He’s 40 now and has two dachshunds. He will never not have a dachshund.

My son might disagree, but Stevie was the best dachshund of all.  We got her as an 8-week-old puppy, and I had to keep her hidden for almost three days.  It was over a weekend, and I spent hours in the master bathroom sitting on the floor with a wiggly and tiny dachshund who was falling in love with me. And I her.

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The uterus is not a homing device.

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Photo by Mika Ruusunen on Unsplash

“The uterus is not a homing device,” Rosanne Barr screeched.  I was channel surfing and happened upon her eponymous sitcom just as she uttered that line.  I had never heard the saying before. It turns out that it is an old feminist slogan that is considered overused. 

I laughed out loud.  I did. I sat back and enjoyed the rest of the show.

I’m not much of a television watcher, but that one line hooked me.  Barr was blazingly funny and insightful until she wasn’t. I was a faithful viewer until she, and the show, went off the rails.

Neither my now-ex-husband nor my son can find their own asses with two hands and a flashlight.  I was the designated Finder of Lost Things. By the time I heard Rosanne say, “The uterus is not a homing device,” I was weary of always and forever spending my free time trying to find their lost stuff.

Something snapped, and one time, I quietly responded, “I don’t know where your jockstrap is. I put it away the last time I used it.” And that was my standard response unless the missing item was something important to me.

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Reunion

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Writing Prompt from Lee Martin: Choose someone from your past whom you haven’t seen in several years. If you were to see them, what would you say and/or do?

I’ve missed her. 

Dreadfully.  It’s been a good long while now, too long since I’ve communed with her.  The last time we interacted, she was just hitting her stride.  And then her world fell apart – emotionally, politically, creatively, and physically. 

The years have passed slowly in some respects and like a galloping racehorse in others.  Any way you look at it, too many years have passed.

She is me.

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Cinderella’s Step Sister Speaks Her Mind

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I cannot believe this. I just can’t.  That little bitch, pardon my language, but this is so beyond the pale that that’s the nicest word I can use.  After all we’ve done for her.  I don’t even know where to start.

I guess with the housecleaning thing.  Cinderella is OCD.  No, really, I mean it.  She was officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist and everything.  Won’t take her meds.  We never asked her to clean anything.  And she’s made our lives a living hell.  It would look like no one lived here if it was up to her.  She entered a state of rage cleaning when I once left my library book on the piano while I ate lunch.  She thought I should have returned the book to the basket she bought for library books.  Everything has a specific place.  Everything.  And she goes nuts if you don’t use it.

I do all the cooking. I like to cook, but not with her around.  I like to gather all the ingredients, use them as I cook, and put them away when I’m done. She thinks I should go back and forth to the pantry fetching and returning each one in turn.  Bah! Sister cleans the kitchen, but can’t meet Cinderella’s standards, so she cleans it a second time grumbling about how she has to do everything if it’s to be done right.

And the talking and singing with the animals.  Good grief.  We live in a 3-bedroom apartment in Queens.  No deer, no rabbits.  Yeah, there are birds.  We’ve seen and heard Cinderella stand at an open window and sing and dance.  It never occurred to us she thought she was communing with forest creatures.  I mean, really, why would we?  And singing?  Cinderella can’t carry a tune even with a little red wagon and a small boy to pull it for her.  She’s dreadfully tone-deaf.

All we’ve done to try and make her a part of our family!  I’m sorry her father died.  He was a good stepfather and I miss him, but we only knew him for a few months.  Of course, we didn’t mourn as hard as she did.  But we felt so sorry for her – all alone in the world.  We made sure she understood that this was her home now and we were her family.  We were generous to a fault with her.  All of her dad’s money, even that bequeathed to us, is in a trust not to be released to her until she’s 21.  We’ve been paying for everything.

And the ball.  My God! What a debacle that was.  The Met called the police when she tried to crash it while wearing her prom dress and silver shoes from the Goodwill.

I could go on and on, but you should get the picture now.