Hot damn and cold succotash! For the price of answering a few questions in one word or less (more if I cheat like Buzzard Billy), I can have the Over the Top Award. I love awards – they make my Warm Fuzzies sweat.

Buzzard Billy, whom I’m determined to meet (we’re soulmates even if she doesn’t think so), received the award and tantalized me with the possibility of getting it. Woo Hoo! I can only get it by contributing to the meme with one-word answers to 35 questions. (That sucker is mine. Mine, mine, mine.) The complete rules are as follows:

Copy and change the answers to suit you and pass it on.

•Answers may be one word only.

•Once you have filled it out be sure to pass it on to 6 of your favorite bloggers.

•Alert them that they have been awarded!

•Have fun!

1. Where is your cell phone? Buried

I normally do not carry a purse purse, but something so big as to veer toward satchel status. Last spring I decided once again to try the Small Purse Experiment. It’s lasted longer than ever, but due to recent events, I gave in and returned to the Briefcase Disguised as a purse. HMOKeefe and I scoured Boston in search of it – primarily as a means to get home the laptop he gave me for my birthday in 2008.

I’ve always been a big purse person. As a teenager, my first purse was a giant carpetbag tapestry kind of thing. While I never use 99% of it, I’m not comfortable unless I’m carrying everything I own with me. Chief of these is my agenda – a large binder containing all the paper of my life – bills, calendars, cards, fortunes, amusing horoscopes, and a medicine bag that detached just yesterday.

Though there is a designated pocket, I most never use it. Without fail, the cell phone migrates to the bottom.

2. Your hair? Flamboyant

My hair. Other than my height, it’s probably my most distinguishing feature. Waist length, dark brown, straight as a devout Christian, and becoming streaked with white and silver. Folks seem to want me to dye it. I, however, love the white and silver. At my temples, I have white streaks that now extend to the very ends of my hair. In the Cherokee tradition, these are termed wisdom locks. In others, they’re witch’s locks. Take your pick.  Note:  I meant straight in the sense of moral, free of really bad vices – you know – the old straight and narrow.  I know several devout Christians of various sexual orientations.  Viva la difference!)

3. Your mother? Resilient

My mom is a marvel. After a miserable childhood, she managed to become a dynamic woman. At 69, she wears pink chucks, kayaks, and plays with power tools. I oscillate between being thrilled and aghast that the older I get the more like my mother I become. (I wear black chucks, but I’ve been pining for red ones – no kayak yet, but it’s more appealing than it once was.)

4. Your father? Amazing

After a childhood even more horrific than Mom’s, Dad is alive and kicking – no mean feat given four tours of Viet Nam. Presently, he’s developed a walking addiction. After two knee replacement surgeries and damage done in a car wreck when he was 8 (and his father was killed), Dad is walking at least 7 miles a day on terrain that is extremely hilly. He expects to make 1500 miles by the end of the year. Did I mention he’s 71?

5. Your favorite food? Decadent

I have always loved food. As a child, I would eat anything except pork chops, beets and mushrooms. There are things I’m not particularly fond of, but these days I’ll eat most anything (including pork chops and mushrooms, but never ever beets) as long as it’s cooked well and, preferably, served with a fabulous presentation.

6. Your dream last night? Feces

I most never remember my dreams, but uncharacteristically I remember bits and pieces of last night’s. For some reason, someone had defecated in a dishwashing tub and it was my responsibility to clean it out. Most of the dream, I think, were my thought processes on how to do so without gloves. Go figure.

7. Your favorite drink? Coffee

I have a cartoon that I’ve kept for 30 years. It’s an image of a woman with a coffee pot hooked up to intravenous lines. I’m waiting for Mr. Coffee to develop such a thing.

8. Your dream/goal? Financial independence

I am sick unto death of worrying about money. It’s making me cranky and bitter, not to mention really messing up my wa. 

9. What room are you in?  Family Room 

I’m a family of one plus the menagerie. At present, all four of us are sitting in 2 square feet of a good-sized room in a house roughly 2400 square feet. Three dogs, the cat and me all crammed on the corner of the sofa while 2392 square feet of space goes to waste. Sometimes I consider moving into a three room cottage, but I can’t give up the barn. Still, most of this space is completely wasted – but it makes me happy.

10. Your hobby? Hedonism

One of these days I’ll blather on about my Ethical Hedonism movement.

11. Your fear? Hawks

Many years ago a beagle of mine was attacked by a hawk. She lived, but it took forever to pay off the vet bill. I love watching the hawks swoop, float and hover in the sky, but if they get to close to the ground, I get anxious for the dogs and herd everyone into the house.

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here

I love West Virginia, I love Ona, and I love this barn against all reason. 

13. Where were you last night?  Nirvana

 I had last night off. It was cold and rainy. I took a long bath by candlelight, even shaved my legs, and crawled into bed in heavy-weight, black silk pajamas (Ethical Hedonism, donchya know)..

I re-did the master bedroom a few years ago. It’s luxurious and all the appointments were made with an overriding theme of comfort and joy. There are books, 1200-thread-count sheets, nice lighting, and the comforting scent of mango vanilla incense.

14. Something that you aren’t? Age-appropriate

I still can’t get over how old I am. It kind of tickles me to be 50 and not feel any different than I did 25 years ago. I’m not sure what fifty is supposed to look like, but most folk can’t believe I’m that old. The fact that I haven’t succumbed to sensible shoes and eyeglass chains may have something to do with it. 

15. Muffins? Jiffy

Years ago, I discovered Jiffy Blueberry Muffin mix. There’s not a real food ingredient in the whole box, but I’m uncommonly fond of these things when drenched in real butter. Oddly, I’m not particularly fond of real blueberry muffins – probably because I feel baked fruit is a crime against Ma Nature.

16. Wish list item? Spa

There’s this really expensive Mexican spa in the baja that I’m pining to go to. The thought of a week of luscious food, yoga, and Mexican sun fair makes me swoon.

17. Where did you grow up? Everywhere

Daddy was a Marine. The number of different schools I attended is legion. After he got out, he embarked on a second career that moved us a few times. All that moving, I think, helps explain my insistence on dying I this barn.

18. Last thing you did? Admired

I’m still tickled pink with the cow bathroom. I wander in there every couple of hours and admire my handiwork.

19. What are you wearing?  Bathrobe

It’s cold enough (and more) that my Beloved Bathrobe II is getting quite the workout. Better than a Snuggly, a well-crafted robe is a thing of beauty.  (Note:  The post about my bathrobe is still the post that generates the most hits though I think most folks are not looking for pictures of me swaddled in an all-over robe.)

20. Your TV? Grimy

I cancelled the satellite service a couple of years ago. I’m blissfully happy without television. I go through streaks where I watch a bunch of DVDs, but right now is not one of those times. I don’t think the television has been on in 3 or 4 months. Consequently, it’s dusty. Thus far, I’m finding the web meets or exceeds all of my news-viewing and entertainment needs. Hulu.com is spectacular.

21. Your pets? Herd

I have my own Thundering Herd. Upon entering my house, you will hear simultaneously the thunder of tiny feet and the barking of what sounds like rottweilers – all three dogs don’t weight 40 lbs. combined. And then there’s the cat. Now that I think about it, Maggie deserves her own blog post.

22. Friends? Plethora

I’m puzzled as to why I’ve been blessed with so many friends.

23. Your life? Comedy

My life is a tragicomedy of an epic nature. I don’t know why the things happen to me that do, but most of them, mind-bendingly frustrating or worse, are funny not too long after occurring (sometimes even during).

24. Your mood? Multi-tasking

I’m all over the place these days. I’m working on finding one emotional state and staying there, but declining ovary production is playing havoc. My mouse pad bears the words “Playing on the mood swings.” I guess there are worse ways to go about it.

 25. Missing someone? Duh.

 With HMOKeefe 800 miles away, I’m always missing him. And with Chef Boy ‘R Mine 5 hours away, I’m always missing him. As busy as I’ve been, I’m missing me as well.

26. Vehicle? Sigh. . .

Don’t ask.

27. Something you’re not wearing? Boa

As the Oberfurher, my avatar dresses in a boa and storm trooper boots. It’s a complicated story. At the moment, my avatar don’t have the boa on. Given the craziness of my life, the boots are a daily necessity.

28. Your favorite store? The Book Loft.

The Book Loft (aka 32 Rooms of Books) is located in Columbus. Compulsive readers often collapse into paroxysms of joy upon discovering it.

29. Your favorite color? Vivid

While my house is (mostly) decorated in neutrals, I prefer vivid colors for me (including black). Cobalt blue, emerald green, and blazing red are favorites. Like most women my age, I had my “colors” done eons ago. I’m a “winter.”

30. When was the last time you laughed? Frequently

I laugh a lot. It beats crying.

31. Last time you cried? Hmmm

A couple of weeks ago, I sobbed. It’s been an extremely frustrating couple of months. I rarely cry from sadness – the tear factory turns on for frustration and extreme anger.

32. Your best friend? Too many to list

I read somewhere that most people are lucky to have three or four close friends in a lifetime. I’m way ahead of that statistic. The Fates have been good to me in this respect. (Let’s all sing a chorus of “I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends.”)

33. One place that I go to over and over? Bathroom

Between menopause’s mimicry of early pregnancy (peeing every 14 seconds) and endless hand-washing to combat the spread of H1N1, I practically live in the bathroom. (And then of course, there’s time spent painting the bathroom and then admiring it.)

34. One person who emails me regularly? Dr. Wayne Dyer

This guy writes self-help books (some of which are worthwhile). I’m not sure how I ended up on his mailing list, but I did. Every time I read one of his emails, I try to figure out what I could do to get on the self-help bandwagon and charge what he charges for seminars. Thus far, I haven’t come up with anything. Ethical Hedonism, maybe?

35. Favorite place to eat? Boston

I like traversing Boston and stopping in restaurants to nibble, nosh, feast and gorge. I’m also particularly fond of naked lobster at HMOKeefe’s elephant table.

And, so. . .there you have it – my meme.

And that’s it! I ain’t waiting on Buzzard Billy to grade my answers – I’m snagging that award now!  (This post is too long as it is — I’ll post my awardees in a separate post.)

Mine, mine, mine!  (Thanks, BB)