My Fantasy Self

If I could fly, I would soar to Mexico

If I could soar to Mexico, I would bask on a beach with a margarita.

If I could bask on a beach with a margarita, I would think of nothing.

If I could think of nothing, I would find my breathing deep and relaxed.

If I could breathe deep and relaxed, I would think through all these problems.

If I could think through these problems, I would have a plan.

And if I could have a plan, I would work it and work it.

I would work that plan and create the life I’m striving for. 

But real life keeps intervening and derails my planning.  If I could, I would.

I read a piece about realizing what is your fantasy self and what is your real self.  The idea was to banish the fantasy self and adopt the real.  Wallow in your real, kick the tires and take it out for a drive.  Be at peace with it.  I’m not sure I think that’s wise.  My fantasy self is dynamic.  She is at peace and maximizes her talents and works on the weaknesses that hold her back.  Her other weaknesses, she embraces as peccadilloes that are unimportant in her grander scheme, but make her human.

Scheme seems an ugly word:  nefarious and ill-intentioned.  Plan is better.  

I need a plan to guide me these next seven years until I retire.  I want to be ready for that milestone. 

I want so much.  I am reminded of Ulysses in Tennyson’s poem as he finds himself ill-suited to retirement.  I too will be ill-suited.  I will need a plan for then too.  My fantasy self will provide.  I think she will channel his words: 

We are not now that strength which in old days

Moved earth and heaven, that which we are, we are;

One equal temper of heroic hearts,

Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will

To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

Not to yield, what a proclamation.  Can I blend that with it is what it is.  We’ll see.  My fantasy self is a synthesis of my strengths and my weaknesses.  She has been well-examined and is strong-willed, but gracious and loving.  Rambunctious, but at peace.  Confident, but not haughty.  Loving, but not a doormat. 

My fantasy self is worth pursuing – to strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.

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