Wicked Mean Blues Air Guitar

I play a wicked mean blues air guitar.  Usually after one drink too many.  I almost always say upon such occasions, “I could do it if I just knew how.”  And I could.  I really could.  I’m convinced of it.  So convinced of it, Santa asked me what I wanted one year and I said, “A guitar.”

Santa brought me a whole kit.  Case, stand, picks, tuners, Guitar for Dummies, and other assorted accessories. 

I couldn’t tune the damn thing.  Tried and tried.  I have a good ear, but I can’t figure out how to get the strings to the tension required.  I turn the little screws things this way and that to no avail.  I use the electronic tuner.  I don’t think I’m doing it right. 

In desperation, I cleaned my house and invited a musician friend and his wife to dinner.  Told him he not only had to sing for his supper, he had to tune my guitar. 

He did.  He declared it not bad for a cheapie. 

After they left, I tried some chords.  Damn it’s hard.  My old hands may be too arthritic to learn new muscle movements. 

Now I didn’t put a lot of effort into learning, but I did give up.  The guitar still sits on its stand in my living room.  I like the way it looks.  It’s a decorator guitar.

And, so when I have too much wine, I get out my air guitar and wail the blues.  Clapton and Beck have nothing on me.  B. B. King.  Otis Rush.  Elmore James.  All of them can’t hold a candle to my virtuoso performance.  I am a spectacular blues air guitarist.  I do not have an equal.

I also cannot play the piano, a flute, a recorder, a kazoo, or an organ.  I am very good with a stereo receiver though.  I’ve got that one down. 

I think it cruel of the creator to bless me with a good ear and a musician’s soul, but not the talent. 

And it’s not just a matter of not knowing how.  In 6th grade, I had to take a test to enroll in 7th grade band.  I didn’t pass.  In 7th grade chorus, my teacher told me not to enroll for 8th grade chorus.

Really. 

I told this story to a very good friend who went to college on a voice scholarship.  She said, “Pshaw…You’ve just never been taught.”  And she set out to teach me.

She waived the white flag after 20 minutes. 

“Wow,” she said.  “You hear everything.”

And I do.  I hear it all.  Music is full-body experience for me.  I can’t abide background music.  When I listen to music, I listen to it.  I sit still, often with good earphones (not earbuds) hooked up to the good receiver, and wallow in the sound.

I hear it all.  I can’t find one note and duplicate it.  They are all there together – one entity. 

And so, one of my biggest regrets in life is not being able to mimic the music I love.

It’s heartbreaking in a way. 

I was blessed with other talents that perhaps other people yearn for, but they say you always want what you can’t have.  Whomever they are. 

But in this case, it’s true. 

I could do it if I just knew how.

One thought on “Wicked Mean Blues Air Guitar

  1. Hey Connie– guess what, in blues shows, the AUDIENCE is part of the show in responding to the musicians, singing along, waving, and dancing.   Go on and play your air guitar!   There are thousands of over-ego-driven would-be guitarists who do manage to play a few chords, which is a good way to spend their leisure time in appreciation of the music. But then they overextend; they try to get up on stage with professionals who know how to play, have practiced for years and paid their dues.    Shh don’t tell everyone, but they can be a nuisance! \  Everybody doesn’t have to play, or there would be nobody to dance along! Yours, Barrelhouse Bonnifrom the West Side of Chicago to the West Side of Charleston here is one of Larry Taylors videos so you can groove while writing your next blog: Brian Lupo and Ace on guitars:  Leak in my Drain: Larry Taylor at Raspberry Arts Fest

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    | | | | Leak in my Drain: Larry Taylor at Raspberry Arts Fest

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    PRAY FOR PEACE WORK FOR JUSTICE BOOGIE FOR SURVIVAL

    https://barrelhousebonni.com/ Me and my piano

    Blues singer and drummer Larry Hill Taylor:  https://larrytaylorchicagoblues.com/  The Rhythm and the Blues : the upcoming movie about a family of blues musicians in 1960s-70s Chicago

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